When India and Vietnam said "I do"

Just came back from my cousin Arun's wedding in Los Angeles. It was without doubt the most interesting and racially diverse wedding I've been to. Why? Because Arun married Cindy Le, a beautiful and smart Vietnamese American girl. I went to the wedding expecting it to be a series of mishaps and funny misunderstandings (that would have provided me with some good material for my blog!), and ended up being part of a ceremony that beautifully incorporated Arun's traditional Tamil Brahmin roots and Cindy's Vietnamese-Catholic upbringing. At the end of it all, I'm left speechless.

It all started about 5 years ago when Arun and Cindy (both raised in the USA) started dating casually. At the time, I thought to myself this was just one of his casual flings, and like everyone else, I assumed that he was eventually going to settle for some hot ABCD (American Born Confused Desi) chick his parents would hook him up with (probably some family friends' friends' daughter!). But when he graduated with his MD/PhD from UCLA and moved to Johns Hopkins to do his residency in Neurology (oh! did I mention he's one smart cookie?), he asked Cindy to move to Baltimore as well. And she did, from one corner of the country to another. With a Masters in Social Service, she took up a job in the DC area working with Vietnamese immigrants. That was when I knew there was something special going on here. Eventually, he proposed to her last year. They visited Chicago immediately after that and spent a long weekend with me. I got to know Cindy, and equally importantly, I got to know the new Arun. This might sound corny coming from me, but I couldn't believe what an incredibly lovely, and loving, couple they made. And it finally started to make perfect sense to me. All thoughts about India, Vietnam, Hindu and Christianity seemed trivial, and I started looking forward to having Cindy as my sister-in-law.

The wedding itself was a blast. There was the Hindu brahmin style ceremony on Friday early morning, where all of Cindy's siblings, cousins, mom, aunts and grandmoms were dressed in traditional 'pattu' (silk) saris and looked completely at home. Some of these had been purchased by Arun's mom when she visited India earlier this year. The cutest of the lot was Cindy's grand mom who had flown all the way from Vietnam for the wedding. She was probably all of 4' 6" tall and couldn't talk any English. But when she wore that blue sari and moved around like she'd been doing this for the last 60-70 years, I could have sworn she was from Mylapore! Cindy herself was decked up beautifully, but seemed to be a bit disoriented with all the strangers pushing and prodding her and instructions flying from different directions - fall at someone's feet, straighten your 'pallu', greet someone, pose for 15 cameras and keep smiling - all at the same time. It came to a point when the professional camera guy asked her to smile at the camera, and she asked "Which one?" and everyone cracked up. But to her credit, she handled everything that was thrown at her with aplomb. But I guess she hadn't given much thought to the part where she had to sit on her dad's lap when Arun tied the knot. It was fun watching them both trying to keep a straight face and trying even harder to not slide off from the chair.

Her dad was dressed in kurta/pajama that was too short for him. Apparently, when he received the Kurta from Arun's parents, he thought that they had miscalculated his height and that it was too long for him. So he had someone cut it down and tailor it to his 'size'. Arun convinced him that the reason the kurta was so long was because Indians do not wear anything underneath it. I heard from reliable sources that Cindy's dad was running around tense and sleepless wondering how he was going to look in the short kurta without anything below the waist!

The next day (Saturday afternoon) was the Catholic white wedding at Cindy's family's church in Orange County. In contrast to the Indian ceremony, this lasted all of one hour, without anyone having to raise his/her voice (except for the choir girl, who kept breaking out into opera-style songs at the most unexpected of moments. She did sound good though!). When they recited their vows and took turns saying "I do"and Cindy's voice started breaking, there were very few dry eyes at the Church (Yes, I agree. My eyes might've clouded at some point of time!). It was a touching moment and one that finally consummated the wedding, or should I say weddings?

But the party was not over yet. The reception that evening was held at the lawns of the Museum of Latin Arts. The open air, clear skies, sculptures and fountains and the variety of people made it an ideal setting. I could literally count dozens of nationalities there - Thailand, Philippines, China, Nepal, Germany etc. apart from India, Vietnam and USA. While I raided the open bar and helped myself to a few samosas and stuffed mushrooms, I scanned the gathering. Everyone seemed to be having a good time. Indian and Vietnamese aunties were hobnobbing and exchanging gossip, the music was a mix of mainstream and latino which I peppered with some Hindi pop, all the uncles were downing beers and catching up on old friends and the girls from both sides, well, they just looked incredible. In the middle of dinner, the best men and bridesmaids were invited on stage and had a few things to say. Then Arun and Cindy's parents took turns sharing anecdotes and wishing the couple. They also had a photo slideshow on the huge screen depicting their childhoods, families and friends.

When Cindy's dad mentioned that this wedding has brought India and Vietnam a little closer, everyone applauded. If taken literally, this does sound presumptuous and a little over the top (as does the title of this post!). But it also drives home the point - that this cross-country cross-cultural marriage is definitely a small step in broadening the outlooks of both these ethnic communities. For too long, Indians settled in America have been in a time warp, wanting to raise their kids with so-called 'Indian morals and values' while providing them with all the comforts of America. It does not always work that way. And if you want to live in America, you should be ready to let your children go and make their own lives.

To their credit, Arun and Cindy's parents carried themselves admirably. It could not have been easy for any of them, but they have come around to accept their childrens' decision and have stuck by them. And through it all, they seem to have developed a special bond and respect for each other and their cultures. And this was true for me as well. Arun's mom mentioned how happy she was when Cindy started calling her 'amma'. Arun's sister Meera wore a stunning traditional Vietnamese costume (ah! I forgot the name again. Meera, if you read this, can you help me out?). Arun's family friend greeted the Vietnamese guests in their own language (transliterated for him ofcourse!) and Cindy's uncle (and pastor) greeted our side in Tamil (though we all lost him after "vanakkam"). And I found myself explaining to cindy's uncle why there were no statues of Buddha in the wedding hall :-)

I'm not saying its all going to be "And they lived happily ever after" from here on. In fact, they're probably just over the fun part of the marriage and have a lot of hard work ahead. I'm sure their cultural and racial differences are going to crop up once in a while. Their children might look very cute or unspeakably ugly :-) Making this marriage work will require a lot of understanding, respect and unselfishness from both. But knowing Arun and Cindy, I'm sure their love for each other and respect for each others' values in addition to the support of their families and friends will carry them through.

And so, Arun and Cindy, here's to you. I hope you grow miserably old together. I love you both...