Me, Myself and a Martian

zoinggggg........

me: argghhh... err... who's that? who's that?

unknown intruder: What the hell is this place? this is not what I programmed.

me: what the $%*&! who're you?

unknown intruder: Whassupp?!! i'm from Mars...

me (a little sober now): Aren't we all mate!

unknown intruder: eh?

me: You know, as in "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus"

unknown intruder: No dude, I'm really from Mars. My teleportation beam screwed up... its over the expiry period. dammit!

me: But you're not small and green.

Martian: That's actually a rumor we started so you wouldn't recognize a martian if you came across one..

me: But we sent small robots to Mars to take photos and collect samples. They're roaming on the ground there as we speak. How did they miss you?

Martian: Actually, we removed the cameras from those and fixed them on Martian toads. Our kids are playing with those robots now.

me: How did you end up here?

Martian: Well, the original plan was to land in Chennai...

me: wow! really? that's my hometown. I had no idea its famous across the galaxy. Why did you decide on that place?

Martian: Well, even if we were to destroy some landscape while landing or knock over a few statues, people would just assume that Jayalalitha is mad at someone or planning another wedding. Comes in handy! The chennai-vasi is the most passive of your species. Plus I like the local lingo. Words like "dubukku" and "bajaari" always cheer me up.

me: You planning to take me up to your space craft and perform some sort of invasive procedure on me?

Martian: Hell no! it would take us a day to get thro' your fur... Besides, we've already examined better specimens like Lalloo Prasad Yadav and Marilyn Monroe.

me: (now totally awake!) Lalloo, as in Bihar ka Lalloo?

Martian: Ofcourse. Our experiments with him were going swell till he started trying to form an alliance with us to beat the ruling Janata Dal party. Had a hard time convincing him that we weren't really interested in Earth politics.

me: So what did you do?

Martian: Well, we had to erase his memory and send him back. It was quite stressful. Even more so than the time the Nair guy tried to acquire sole rights for setting up tea stalls in Mars. whew!

me: Can you pass on some powers to me like ET? you know like electricity in the fingers, mind-reading etc.

Martian: With great power comes great responsibility!

me: Isn't that dialog from 'Spiderman'?

Martian: Dammitt! that movie seems to be famous around these parts... Well, help me get out of here, will you?

me: Wait! There's lots of stuff I need to ask you.

Martian: (thinking "what a nincompoop!") like what?

me: Have you ever been to earth before?

Martian: Sure mate, plenty of times. . Whenever I feel a little blue, I just attend a high school class in Alabama. 'Intelligent Design' always cracks me up!

me: Is time travel possible? Are there objects that travel faster than light? Are gay people born gay or become gay?

Martian: Take it easy kid. Will come back some other time and chit chat with you. I've got to take off now before the Missus finds out I'm missing. You don't wanna get on the wrong side of a Martian woman. She's got those tentacles and all. Comes in handy in bed and housework, but can be a real bitch at other times. I think I'll figure out the way out of here myself. (leaves)